A Blendable Fit
by Mimic-My-Howl
Summary: Abnegation is selfless. I think like it here, my whole family is here, my friends too, but I'm not the same as them. Beatrice Prior knows from a young age she's not the right kind of abnegation. She's not the same as her parents or her brother, or her neighbor and friend Susan, who can do it so effortlessly. Along comes a boy, just the same, who will change what it means to belong.


My house is exactly the same as the house on either side, across from it, and behind it. Same grey cement walls, same floors, same kitchen and bathroom, with all the rooms and windows in the same places. Just as well, we've never needed anything special, my family and I. Nor have our neighbours, or their neighbours, or the family which lives five houses down from mine, or the family which lives five blocks down from me.

We are all the same, and that's just the way we like it. To blend in is to disappear, and it's easier to focus on other people when you don't exist on the same plane as everyone else. The abnegation hardly exist at all, too busy putting everyone else first.

I'm not very good at that yet, but Mama says that I've still got time to learn our ways, I won't have to choose and go through initiation for a long time still. Papa says the same, mostly, only in a lot less words.

I think that one day I'd like to be as good at disappearing as them, they seem happy, and everyone in our faction seems happy with them, but they make it seem so easy, and for me, it's just so hard. I've got time, Mama keeps saying, I've got time, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do much good with all that time.

For now, it's time to help with dinner, and then afterward Mama will go hand out food to the factionless, the ones without a home, or a community. Mama says that they have no purpose, nothing to believe in, because the faction they chose didn't choose them, so they belong nowhere.

I asked her when she told me that, why we couldn't let them live with us, she smiled and told me she wished that we could, but that we weren't allowed. I remember thinking how kind she was, that she would let them all live with us. I told her I thought so, and she insisted that however kind she was, I was twice as much for suggesting it.

I asked her, then, why we weren't amity instead of abnegation, she didn't answer that question, and when I told Papa later he said that I shouldn't ask so many questions - that was the erudite's job. Amity is the faction which believes in kindness, they share everything, farm our food for us and live outside the fence. Erudite is the faction that believes in pursuing knowledge, they are our scientists, doctors, teachers, and live in the center of the city.

They don't sound like bad factions to live in, none of them do, at least I don't think so, but I keep that to myself, enter the kitchen, and start helping my mother prepare our dinner; chicken, peas, and potatoes - all plain.

When we sit down together to eat dinner, this too is the same as always, with Papa at the head, Caleb and I on either side of him, and Mama sitting in the final of our four seats at the square table, we eat quietly, peacefully. Mama and Papa sometimes talk quietly about nothing important, and Caleb and I join too when we're asked a question.

These are my favourite times, when I can be myself and still be abnegation too, without even needing to think about it or try.

After dinner, because Mama and I cooked and prepared the meal, we will not clean up, so Caleb and Papa go back into the kitchen while Mama and I go upstairs to cut my hair.

We move to the mirror in our upstairs hallway, the only mirror our house has. I pull out my stool and sit down, while Mama pulls out her scissors and starts to dust them off. They have not been used since we last cut my hair three months ago, and they will not be used again for another three months after this. I peek as she types the code in, 5-4-1-5-2, though I don't need to anymore. It hasn't changed since I've been old enough to remember the numbers. I could open it any time if I wanted, but abnegation doesn't allow that, so I only peek when Mama cuts my hair and she's not looking.

I'm a little bit taller than I was last time, now I almost come up to Mama's ribs in the mirror. My hair is longer, though it won't be for long, and my face looks bigger, but so do my eyes, so I suppose kids will still tease me that they're too big for my face. You can see a scar on my left eyebrow from where I cut it when I fell down playing with Susan last year, Caleb scolded me for that, said that we weren't allowed to play, so I don't do that anymore. Other than that I guess I look the same as ever, I wonder if I'll ever look different, and I'd like to ask Mama but I remember what Papa said about abnegations asking questions. Though Mama did answer my questions at first, but still…

"Mama," I ask?

"Yes, Beatrice?"

"Will I always look like this?"

She laughs quietly and looks at me in the mirror smiling. It is now I remember that I'm not supposed to look in the mirror, and I hope that she will not scold me, I hope that still answer my question, but probably not. Oh well.

"Well, I think you look beautiful baby, but no, you've still got quite a bit of growing to do," says, and goes back to cutting my hair.

"How much?"

"Hmm?"

I worry that I may be asking too many questions, and she'll stop answering me soon, but I can't help myself. Besides, I still got time to learn Mama says.

"How much do you think I can change?"

She stops cutting my hair and looks at me again in the mirror, this time I look away.

"This is still about how you look, right baby?"

I think so, because that's what I asked about, isn't it? Only now that she's asking me I'm not so sure, but still, I am at least curious so I nod my head yes.

She goes back to cutting my hair and says, "Well, you'll grow taller, your hair will grow too but we'll keep cutting it so that it stays mostly the same length, and your face will probably change a little bit but I can't say exactly how, everyone is a little bit different."

She rests the scissors on the ledge in front of the mirror and runs her hands through my hair. "There, all finished, Beatrice," she says, as she picks the scissors up, wraps them in their cloth and puts them back in the drawer that's just underneath the ledge. She reaches for the broom, to sweep up the cut hair, and I glance down at that too before it's gone.

They are, each gathering of hair, pieces of me. I find it strange that I don't miss them very much when abnegation takes pride in this, in cutting their hair to keep it a certain length. I like the way we cut my hair now well enough, but they care so much about it, and I don't think I'd mind if it were a bit longer either.

I've got time I suppose, for my hair to grow on me.

"No matter how your looks change, Beatrice, I'll always love you, okay?"

I'm not sure she's talking about how I look anymore either, but I nod because it seems like the right response.

"Ready for bead, baby?"

I nod, look into the mirror again and wonder what I'll look like when those things happen. I wonder what I'll look like three months from now, a lot can change in three months. I think I look different than the last time I sat in front of this mirror but I can't be sure, it's been so long since the last time I got my hair cut, I'd forgotten what I looked like.

Now, I know again, but how I look will change and I'll start to forget again before it does. For now, I try to memorize the face staring back at me.

She moves to the mirror, slides it closed and types the code in again 5-4-1-5-2. Locked, for another three months. I look down now, away from the locked box which holds my reflection, and away from the possibility of having anyone lock eyes with me or catch a glimpse of my face; An abnegation behaviour.

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**A.N.**

**A short first chapter but they'll get longer from here on out, my average for a chapter is usually 7-10k so just hang in there, and tell me what you thought of this chapter. Hope you all enjoyed, and be kind to each other in the comments section,**

**-H.**


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